every time i kiss a boy
it doesn’t feel how it’s supposed to feel
brush a hand through your hair
don’t look at him, he’ll look at you
if he looks at you, turn away
but not too big
(you don’t want him to know everything)
run your fingers through your hair
and look at him while he looks at you
everything comes together some
when hours feel like sharp breaths
and too much time isn’t enough time
to figure out everything you never wanted to know
today my mom and i talked about religion very seriously. i told her i’m not christian, and she thinks i guess it’s because i’m 17 and just want to do things the way i want to do them, and that i don’t want anyone to tell me what to do or how to do it. honestly, it upsets me more to know that she thinks i’m petty; that me piercing my nose and becoming vegan and not shaving anymore are for superficial reasons (?). also it’s upsetting to know that she thinks it’s “gross” and “like i’m trying to be a man” by not shaving, and also that she thinks that being agnostic and being atheist are the same thing. i’m tired of hearing my dad tell me that i “have no morals or values” and that i’m “too big for God”.
i really wish that maybe one day we’ll come to a better understanding of each other, and that she/he will understand better how i feel about some things. it’s frustrating because we didn’t use to be close at all; in fact, i used to hate my mom and argue constantly about stupid shit. now that we’re incredibly close to each other, i felt like i could let her know where i’m at religion-wise, and i hoped that she would be more openminded of my beliefs.
all i know is that i can’t sit in that pew anymore and take communion while silently disagreeing with most of the politically/socially biased, patriarchal, misogynistic things that my dad says in his sermon every week. life is far too short to be hateful for any type of person or group, and i would never want anyone to think that i’m taking anything lightly; on the contrary, i take my soul very seriously and that’s why i live the lifestyles that i live.
i love my family completely, but there are some things that my parents have taught me my whole life that i disagree with, and only recently has it started to be a big issue because only recently have i realized that it’s not healthy to internalize everything and live a double life. here’s hoping things will get better with time.
fuck this shit, all i wanna do at this point is call this asshole up and be like “REAL FUCKIN SMOOTH PLAYA”
sort of got stood up by a boy today although we’re being together tomorrow instead. today is going to the farm market & getting tons of discounted ripe eggplant, sweet potatoes, and cantaloupe. aaaaand since cooking makes everything inside me feel better i made eggplant spinach tomato dip & sweet potato/split pea soup with brown rice. later i’m doing a weed run. fuck it, it’s summer and i’m still incredibly young
i hate situations where i’m with people who exhaust me mentally/socially.
i took my sister to hang out with her friend and they invited me to see the movie they were going to go see with them, and i didn’t have much to do today besides laundry and showering and working at 5, so i agreed.
we get there, and this girl orders a lot of food and soda from some fast food place and is like “why aren’t you eating anything”, etc., and i’m like “i’m not judging you for your food choices, so don’t judge me for mine” (but not really, i was just saying that inside my head).
then, we finally go to the theatre and i don’t really like seeing movies at theatres but i was trying to be nice, so i went anyway, and this girl wants to see fucking despicable me 2 and i am just like “can we not” and then she’s like “oh shit, i left my ID in my car…” and i am like… “do you want me to go get it for you” and she is like “yes, do you mind, my car is unlocked and my keys are inside”
so i go out to her car and i find out that her car is fucking LOCKED with her keys fucking INSIDE her locked car and i just think to myself “oh my god is this real life” so i go inside and am like “dude your car is definitely not unlocked” and she is like “OH MY GOD I’M SO STUPID I ALWAYS LEAVE MY KEYS INSIDE MY CAR WITH THE DOOR UNLOCKED HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN TO ME OH MY GOD” and i am just like “why do you leave your keys inside your car with the door unlocked, do you want your car to be stolen”
SO these very kind men help get her keys out and the whole time she is lamenting her stupid choices really loudly and i could tell these men were uncomfortable and i definitely was also, so i am talking to these men like “this was nice of you guys, thank you for doing us a solid and helping us out”, etc., and when they finally get the door unlocked for her she goes to em and is high-fiving her and like “MY CAR IS UNLOCKED YAY OH MY GOD” and i’m like “dude are you going to say thank you to these random kind strangers that just helped you”
and then i left and came home and now i’m listening to Agoraphobia by Deerhunter and am very glad to finally have solace after this stressful situation.